staying up late has spurred me into a rare mood of responding to a bunch of journal entries on other sites.  friends and people i know, just offering words of advice or support that can be taken or left as they are.

i guess it just makes me think about the fact that i'm always trying to look out for the people i know in my own way.  i mean, i really like being able to help out when i can.  i wish i was the kind of guy that had money to donate.  i wish i was the guy that always had the good plan, or the good idea.  i've filled the leadership shoes a few times in my life but i'm never quite comfortable there.  i like behind the scenes work.  i like to be the supporting role.

and it's funny too, because on the opposite end, i get fed up with people rather easily.  even friends, even people i live with.  certain personal habits get on my nerves.  i almost take offense when people start uninvitedly bitching about things around me.  i have disdain  when people try to use bait words and phrases just to catch my attention in the hopes they can launch into long winded conversation and steal my attention.

i suppose when i look at it all, it's all to do with my personal life, my personal upbringing, like anyone else.  blended in with the continual discovery of myself.  i've kind of developed myself into a rather libran ideal or way of being.  i try to be as polite as possible even in the most grating of situations, and am offended when others do not recognize their social faux pas.  often times i will remove myself from any given situation rather than stir up any conflict.  i'm not interested in arguing ideals and personal nuances.  i just wish everyone could have a little more respect for each other, perhaps think outside of themselves more often.

here, i've gone and found myself somewhere completely different, but that's what i get for being up so late and addled.  of course, it's not so big a deal.  really, i just have this habit of talking and writing through my feelings and thoughts and it helps me summarize or conclude them.

:)

  recently, while hidding away in my wizard lair, i heard a loud thump outside my door, followed by a most high pitched screeching.  after a minute i went to see what the fuss was all about.  it turns out a bat had gotten into the house, and one of the cats had decided to play.

  so, rather than killing the bat right out, the cat has shredded it's back and then decided to let it go.  it landed on the kitchen floor, still emitting the shrill sound of distress.  i grabbed a towel from the counter and began wrapping up the terrified creature, and it bit down through the towel and into my hand.  my thumb, more precisely.  it wasn't very painful and the bite wasn't deep.

  anyway, two days later, i start looking up information on rabies.  terrible, terrible...  it had been four days now, and all i could think about was rabies, and the cost of shots, and not going to the hospital.  perhaps to many people, the answer would obviously be going straight to the hospital.  but not me, no, for some reason i though maybe i should take my chances, after all the bills would be insane.  and then, on that forth night, i picked up a book that i rather enjoy, and read a bit about bats.

  in the animal totem world, bats are about transition and initiation.  often, it is symbolic of facing one's fears, and preparing for change.  there's even a good bit about tests, and death.  And then I realized, here was Death looking me in the face and I was trying to look away.  It's something that has been great issue with me lately, some fear of annihilation late in the middle of the night that struck me down until I couldn't breath.  And I was going to allow it to happen, to try and pretend that it wasn't there?  Here was Bat, here was Death, speaking to me in it's subtle way, and I was not listening.  "I am coming for you whether you are ready or not."  it said.  "But the bills, the hassle, I don't want to deal with it."  I said.  "Perhaps, then, it is time for you to die, for the rest of your life will only be an uphill battle, and your attitude would only make it a waste.   You would ignore the test and trials, you would ignore the hidden knowledge that follows you and reveals itself on your path.  A waste, a disgrace.  You could not even call yourself a man."  he said.  I felt angry at myself, realizing that Death, in his Bat messenger, was right.  No longer can I try to wiggle out of every situation, I have to stand up and do something about it.

  So I went and started my series of shots a few days ago.  It's a bit painful, and annoying, and it's going to be expensive.  But it's a lot better than being dead, or being a coward the rest of my life.  I've got a girl I care about a lot.  I want to be with her.  I want to get married, have some kids.  I want to be around to have good quality time with my best friend.  I want to see what the future has in store for me, good or bad.  It's my birthright.

  I have flown into the heart of night, and I have found a flame within it. 

I have found my voice.

i keep wondering when we'll wake up and start working together and get off this rock, otherwise we're doomed even if we don't nuke each other out of existance.

i keep wondering when we'll wake up and start working together to get rid of all these diseases, otherwise we're doomed even if we don't nuke each other out of existance.

i keep wondering when we'll wake up and start working together to improve the environment, otherwise we're doomed even if we don't nuke each other out of existance.

i keep wondering when we'll wake up and start working together to get rid of the arms race so we don't nuke each other out of existance.